Highlight for the year 2012

Two more days into the new year, 2013.  Looking back, I reflect on all the happenings in this year and images come into my mind.
If I have to list what are the biggest highlight for the year, it would be:

1. I am more open to being wrong, starting to love to be wrong and looking forward to being wrong.  Being willing to be wrong helps me to stay open and vulnerable to reality, I come to experience that I am not in control here and everything just falls nicely into place with or without me.

2. I tap into the experience of joy by being kind of others and myself.  It’s so simple and easy and precious.  And at the same time, I can’t stop noticing how kind people are to me.  I love the image that I see in the mirror.

Merry Christmas

They call it Christmas day tomorrow and tonight is Christmas Eve.  I have to chuckle when I think of this Christmas thingy and how and when I came to believe this.  As I brought my nephews out in the mall with my sister, I saw the decorations, the songs played, the faces of people, I love this beautiful dream.  I marveled at how easily we all believe this Christmas story without even questioning it.

I love that I am alone at home on Christmas Eve.  I love that I can’t find a story that would go against this solitary Christmas Eve.  I see images of people counting down, families getting together.  I also see how much stress some people have having to hold this beautiful picture for their loved ones.

I love that my peace doesn’t have to come from outside.  And that no one can take that away from me.

Yes, Merry Christmas!  I love this beautiful dream.

If God doesn’t give you what you want…

Saw this posting on Facebook from my cousin this morning.  Write “Amen” if you belief this!
Without hesitation, I gave it a big “AMEN” at the bottom.
Then, I hear my mind saying, “how is it that what I get in life has to do with what God is (willing) to give me?”  It’s interesting to see that my mind add “willing” into this sentence even though I can’t know if it has to do with God’s willingness. And “who am I to give an “Amen” when I am not a declared “Christian”?  Hmmm… this mind way too inquisitive, busy discovering itself.

So, where do I come to meet this statement?  God to a Christian, is almighty and it is above men.  And to me, the reality and how things are, things that are no beyond my control, that is my “God”.

So, when I don’t have something that I want, obviously it is not something I need, or there will be war inside of me.  I will be going into God’s business, arguing and negotiating with him about my good deeds and how it is unfair that It is treating me this way.  All these effort into getting God to give it to me is a big tantrum, a waste of energy and time.  And honestly, I have spent many years of my life throwing these big tantrums.

And when we have suffered enough arguing with God and reality, it may be time to start sitting with what we want for a moment and see how it is true that it is a good thing that we don’t get what we want.   Our eyes may start to open up to all the gifts that had, have and will come into our lives because we don’t have what we want.

And the openness to this gift comes only when we are ready to see it.  Everything has a timing of its own, doesn’t it?  If not, God must be crazy… 😉

Taker or Giver?

A friend asked me the other day if a mutual friend is a giver or a taker.  I didn’t know how to answer that question, it wasn’t that I didn’t know her enough or something along that line.  The thing is, I know that I am a taker and that makes her a giver in our friendship.

I remembered many years ago when I attended a training where we had to look at every participant in the eyes and then shout out “taker” or “giver”.  When it was my turn, I was looking at each one of them and shouted, “giver”, “giver”, “giver”…”giver”.  The instructor was so mad as he thought I was playing a fool and he threatened to kick me out of the training.  “you mean this fellow, after what you see he is doing in this class, you actually think he is a giver??? You are not serious, I don’t want you in this class!  You are disrupting the class!!”  He didn’t leave me any space to say anything.

I realized after that incident that he wasn’t ready to hear what was going through my mind and I just left it as it was.

So, if you ask me now how was it possible that everyone is a giver to me.  My answer would be that I am very clear that I am always a TAKER.  I realized that everything I do is for my own happiness, I wanted something from others and in that I am a Taker.  And the reason I do everything is that I wanted to feel good about myself, I like me when I help you, And over the years, this Taker became more honest about her taking from others and more greedy as she is enjoying the joy and pleasure in taking honestly.

What a gift!

My experience with Vipassana meditation

A friend asked me about Vipasana meditation a few weeks back.  She wanted to know what I thought about it.  And I said, “Great!  If it works for you and you see the value, go for it!”

What came to my mind was a time when I went for a Vipassana meditation retreat back in California closed to 9 years ago.  The morning bell rang at 3:30 am and we all got up, washed up and off to the morning chant.  After that, it was walking and sitting meditation alternating every hour for the rest of the day.  It was a sweet experience.  Besides the struggle to get out from my thick warm blanket during the winter time and the most yummy Burmese and Cambodia breakfast and lunch, my mind didn’t seem to register any memorable events during those long hours of mindfulness.

Would I do it again?  I don’t think so.  I don’t feel the need for it.  Meditation is no longer something that is separate from my life.  My life is no longer compartmentalized into conscious and unconscious time, that I have to set aside time for.  At one time in my life, I decided that it is either all or nothing.  I just couldn’t bear being conscious in part of my life and unconscious in another.  I just couldn’t fool myself any longer.  It’s just too painful to not want it all.  So now, I open up to what my life offers.  I am learning to love having no preferences.  And I love it when I could ask to have things the way I want it.  And it feels absolutely equal to me.  Strange but that’s how it looks on the outside.

About My Purpose in Life

 Had a really heartfelt experience these few days.  I got to tap into a few experiences in my past that held the keys to determining how I perceived and interacted with the world outside.  I got to see that it wasn’t what happened that was the problem, it was really the story that I told myself what happened that was the problem. And in the past, I continued to live out over and over again this past experience.  However, this time, it is different.  By undoing the past, I come to experience life through a new pair of eyes, not through the same old pair of tinted glasses.

As a certified facilitator, I worked with many people on their stressful thoughts and beliefs.  The greatest blessing for me in doing that is it has helped me to have higher/greater awareness of my own thoughts and beliefs.  Every now and then when I identified the dark space in the attic of my mind and shone light into those areas, it humbled me to see that we are all on the same ground – no one has higher wisdom than the other person except the equal privilege to find out what is true for ourselves.

I am truly grateful for this self-realization experience and I come to see that to start living out this realization in this world is my only purpose in life.

Do you believe everything you think, hear and see?

I have been coming in touch with some reading materials that gave “solid” proofs that the 9/11 attack in New York City was started by Israelis and not by Osama bin Laden’s Al Queda.

As I finished watching the video, I heard a question arising from within, “do you believe everything you think, hear and see?”  The mind tried to find an association and solicits an emotion.  Should I be angry that we are deceived by the media?  Who is behind this?  What happens if it is really this group of Israelis that attacked?  I have some Israelis friends from Katie’s connection, what does it mean?  Would they seem guilty now?

It’s fascinating to track the mind and watch what beliefs it still holds on to that are against our nature.

Waiting patiently to watch what comes up….

Do I need goals in life?

I came across a concept a few days ago as I was reading a book, “we all need goals in life”.  As I look at the concept, I noticed that I don’t have much reference to that.  And as I asked myself what my goals are, there were no image that came up.  I am not too sure what goals are to me, let alone my goals.

To many people, I may sound like a failure, a lost soul, or someone without an aim in life.  And I totally agree with how I could look that way… and the strange thing is I am ok with that.

And I could remembered the time when I used to have goals, especially goals that I want myself to have, goals that I think will be good for me, goals that I think will make me happier.  And I get to see that those are “standards” that I have taken on as my goals without checking in with myself, Really.  And the result is a lot of stress, denial and self-blame.

So, what is my goal to me now?  I do what comes up for me to do.  Let me see, I get up, I get to do the things I have planned and scheduled to do.  And when it comes to me to work on a project, I listen to it and stay open and see if it can be done and then work towards that OR don’t work towards it.  And it doesn’t mean it will not happen the next minute, day, or week.  I just can’t know.

However, I don’t force myself to do it like I used to, no more abuse from the inside.  Here is a mind that knows it can’t be controlled.  Frustrating, yes, it can be in the beginning.  And the mind that is more open looks for reasons why it is a good thing that it is not getting what it wants.  And it ain’t an easy job.  It’s real research work!!!  And when it finds those reasons, it rests in the balance, I love it that I have it and I also love it that I don’t have it.  And in that space, the clear mind arise and it rests in the experience of what it thought will bring it by having a goal and out of that fluid actions happen.

And that may look like a woman just sitting down in front of a T.V.

Isn’t that interesting?